Change of pace

Where to even begin. How about right here, right now? I am currently in my bedroom, sitting on my bed, by myself. This is more or less the same exact spot I’ve been for the past 48 hours, only with posture fluctuations. My kids are all tucked in, two of them fell immediately asleep after a day I know little about. Myles is downstairs, maybe cleaning up after the day, maybe starting a movie to watch as he relaxes before tucking himself in on the couch for the night. We have five more days that will most likely (and honestly, hopefully) continue to cycle like this.

Back in March, as everyone knows, things shut down and ended for a bit. For some people, not much changed as a virus webbed around the world, and for others, everything changed. I suppose my family falls somewhere in the middle of that spectrum. My husband remained employed, we remained healthy. We were inconvenienced to do school from home, drastically minimize social contact and stick around the house for a good long time. We had to cancel visits with two sets of relatives, birthday parties and normal gatherings. Meeting together and worshiping with our church congregation leaves a gap in our lives and every single public building we’ve entered has only been done with a mask on. Inconvenient, for sure, but I feel confident and secure in knowing that we’ve done our best. Despite our community’s overall negative vibe regarding anything covid related, my family has been very careful.

And yet, I got a phone call on Saturday confirming that the COVID-19 test I had taken the day before was positive. My jaw about hit the floor. I’ve done everything right! I only took the test so that I could in good conscience send all the kids to school this Tuesday. It was such an impossible decision and I was finally feeling peace about it, but scratch those plans, they have to stay home longer. The hospital gave me general instructions and told me to expect a phone call from the state health department.

We are continuing to follow all the guidelines given to us, even though it is hard. I am isolating in my bedroom, basically only going out to nurse Luci before bed while wearing a mask. I can hear my kids doing all their normal stuff- playing or fighting all day, but am resisting joining their fun or interrupting arguments. I hear Myles doing his best with them and want to offer backup. I’m a stay at home mom so I know what it’s like to want that backup with our four beloved children. We are all staying home for the recommended amount of time and my kids are SAD. They all love their teachers and they’ve been looking forward to seeing their friends for months, but this has pulled the rug out from under them. Molli is particularly distraught about it. I’m sure it’s a hard balance between being disappointed for all she’s missing out on, while also being concerned for my health. After all, our lives have revolved around protecting our family from this for so long and now this big thing is in our faces.

As for me, I’m physically feeling alright. I’ve had a headache most of the time, which is annoying but not miserable. I had very specific, substantial aches early on but thankfully that seems to be over and an occasional low grade fever. My sense of smell and taste left me yesterday. It’s definitely one of those things that I’ve never taken much time to appreciate until now. Myles made me a black americano this morning that tasted like hot water. Then a little bit later, a smoothie that tasted like cold. To top it all off, I had a handful of peanuts that were crunchy. I sure appreciate temperatures and texture in a different way now! I have a peppermint essential oil by my bed that was initially to help with the headache but has since become my standard smell test and even that little bottle smells completely neutral. Brushing my teeth? Neutral foam. It’s weird.

There was an incident with Luci today that had me thankful for my inability to smell. I’ll spare you the details, and the pictures, but just know that every single surface, blanket, and square foot of carpet in her room had to be thoroughly cleaned. It was not pretty.

I digress. Yes, I am sick. Yes, I’m doing alright. I’m positive my kids are going to eat a lot more frozen, boxed and easy foods than normal. But they are taking their vitamins. And so am I. I have anxiety about the whole thing but I am not terrified. I am taking it easy, resting and paying attention. I’m keeping positive. This whole thing is really unfortunate, but I’m trying to view it as a change of pace. I’m filling my normally rare alone time. I miss my family, but I want to come out of this being able to truthfully say that I’ve done my very best to love them by protecting them.

So for now, pray for our wellness and for our attitudes.

Decisions

I am up, wide awake and tearful in middle of this night. I have never been faced with such a difficult decision as the decision regarding school in a couple weeks. I have talked myself in so many circles I’m dizzy. Logic and anxiety battle on my shoulders and it’s making me feel crazy. I believe our district overlooked some solid solutions, which would have made this easier. (For the record, I’m not jealous of anyone having to make these calls. It really is impossible to please everyone.) I’ve talked it through and thought out my options until the only solution that makes any sense is to fill my hoodie pocket with chocolate covered almonds and clean something irrational like the inside of the trash can.

I need my kids to have their peers and other loving adults as an active part of their education. To some degree, their mental health and academic success depend on it. As their mom, I don’t want to be the bridge between my kids and their actual teacher. We did that with two in school last quarter and it led to me being the bad guy around the clock. My relationship with my kids honestly was not thriving with that stress. Plus my two who were not in school ended up being babysat by screens, which is not my typical. parenting style.

But if I send them to school they will be at exponentially higher risk than ever. We have made substantial sacrifices in the name of safety and compliance since March. We mask up if we are ever in a building with other people. We order and pick up our groceries. We made the conscious decision to forego meeting with our church, play dates, camps, sports and birthday parties in the name of safety. We had to cancel a visit with grandparents who still need to meet Luci. To send them feels like throwing it all away; allowing them to sit next to the kid whose parents think it’s all a joke and now it’s my family in their hands.

If I keep them home and opt for distance learning, they would be safe. I could exhale all those worries about exposure. As choppy as it may feel, I am fully capable of bridging the instruction from their schools and it would be fine. I would love to spend time with them and get to have a major role in their learning! Luci would love having them be home to play with! There are so many perks to this.

But there is a down side. It’s lonely being separate from peers. Baylor is beginning kindergarten and he would miss out on so much. My attention would be thinly divided between three grades with different class specific expectations in addition to managing a toddler. Not to mention, I don’t want to just “manage” my toddler, I want to enjoy her! I’m afraid that schooling in this manner would render all of us feeing less mutual enjoyment and more frustration instead.

Actual homeschool would ease some of these difficulties, but that’s not an option if we want to remain in our charter school.

On top of the practical and logical volley, I’m dancing with thoughts of judgement. I truly want to say that I don’t care what other people think about my decision, but I do. I don’t want anyone to lose respect for me for sending them when I have agreed with them that it’s not safe. Likewise I don’t want anyone to assume I think poorly of them for sending their kids if I decide to keep mine home. I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. I literally had a nightmare that one of our beloved teachers screamed at me because I kept the kids home. (I immediately texted her the next day to tell her that whatever we decide is not personal. I’m sure she thought I was insane.) Other people’s opinions are not going to dictate our decisions, but it’s just another stressful piece of the puzzle.

If you’re with me, trying to figure this out, I’m sorry. This is impossibly stressful and I have an actual twitch in my left eye over it.

But at least my trash can is clean.

What do you even say?

What do you write about when the whole world is upside down? When everything you know as normal, is suddenly different? When the sometimes tight, too full schedule and hours in the car that made you crazy, literally disappeared overnight, but it didn’t feel like a relief. What do you write about when you’re scared but need to be strong? How do you portray all the emotions of grief when you can’t even pinpoint all the things you’re grieving? 

Do you look back and remember with sadness that your daughter was going to be swimming some new and difficult events in a big swim meet that was canceled? I wonder when she will be in a pool next. 

Do you think about your preschooler and his fake pout with a hidden smile as you walk him into class with a lunchbox full of snacks? He would be annoyed with me most days when I went to pick him up because he’d always want to go to Isaac’s house and eat fish and crackers.

Do you smile as you think of your first grader in his beloved cowboy boots smuggling his one million Pokemon cards in his backpack to school?  Or think about how he would still want to hold your hand on the way out of school, knowing that won’t last forever?

Swimming, lunchboxes, school, backpacks… 

You guys, this is hard. 

I don’t know what to write about.  I just know that I’m doing what I can do to hold my little corner of the world together. I’m basically using stickers I peeled off of shirts in the laundry basket to tape things back up. It’s not a great fix but here we are, loosely holding things together the best we can. 

We have more or less kept a routine.

This morning, the kids and I made a bunch of cookies and they made a “We miss you” sign to show their teachers from their driveways. A drive as a family and a couple of smiling faces (who don’t live with us)  have done our hearts well.

Molli tells jokes on facebook. “Inside Jokes With Molli”… get it?!

We get outside, even when it’s cold and wet. 

We are “attending” services with our church online. 

We are reading books, playing games,  cleaning up, journaling and staying comfy.

I’m trying my best to stay positive but I’m not going to lie, I’ve lost an awful lot of sleep. Right now, however, I am grateful for so many things.  We have a safe, comfortable house with space to play outside. We have the food and supplies we need. We have technology to continue schooling. I’m saving a lot of money on gas! We don’t have to worry about lice! We are still showering but wearing pajamas an awful lot! See, there are good things. 

I still don’t know what to write about. I’m not good with journals, and I want to look back at this crazy time one day. I just hope that the worst thing that I have to look back on is the inconveniences of it all. 

parenting humility 101

Myles is on the slope, in the middle of his second two week hitch at his new job, which means I’m the one doing all of the things at home.  I’m making all the meals, pumping out the melty driveway pond, cleaning all the things and washing all the clothes, driving everyone to/from school and sports (Molli is swimming three days a week and the boys both just started indoor soccer, bless all of us), getting the groceries, reading the books, tucking in and maintaining the home front.  As long as everyone pulls their own weight by not getting sick or injured, we survive alright. As a unit, we aren’t winning any awards for excellence in anything, particularly nutrition, but whatever.

Last night I finally sat on the couch at around 9:00 after reading approximately 6,000 books over the course of the two hour long process of getting everyone in bed. I heard someone in the bathroom upstairs but didn’t think much of it.  There was really quite a ruckus, but like I said, everyone was tucked in, which is the mom equivalent of being off the clock, but on call.  My night’s done, y’all. (I’m not southern enough to use that colloquially, I had to google it to make sure I spelled it right.  I do understand contractions.) Drawers opened and closed, the stool was pushed around and then there was silence.  Silence is only good if everyone is actually asleep, which clearly wasn’t the case.

“Mom, there is poop in my underwear. And there are little chunks.”

It’s cool.  I’m on call, I know the drill. I grab a couple wipes and head upstairs to find my naked four year old in the midst of a “situation,” if you will.  I’ll spare you the photo I did take and trust that you can imagine a toilet filled nearly to the brim with toilet paper and whatnot.  All things belonging in the toilet, but not to such a capacity, to be sure!  I told Baylor to freeze and went downstairs for reinforcements. At this moment, Myles called for a quick chat, which I had to cut short on account of preparing to intentionally put my hand in a potty mess. Thankfully I’m squeamish about cutting raw meat and regularly stock latex gloves in the kitchen so I was able to clean up the kid and bathroom, bag up the over-abundance and throw it away without contaminating myself too badly.  All in a day’s work.

I’m living the dream.  It’s not glamorous, but sometimes parenting is humbling.

Luci and I had the pleasure of hanging out today while everyone else was at school.  She’s not a very good cleaning partner because she’s 11 months old.  This means she wants my attention, enjoys unloading drawers and boxes and finds tiny things from the floor to put in her mouth.  We managed though.  I was letting her roam around upstairs as I put away laundry, changed sheets and got the bedrooms ready to vacuum. She headed for the kids’ bathroom so I snagged her and closed the door but smelled something gross.  Ah! Baylor’s underwear from last night.  Oops, I had forgotten to put them in the laundry, so I did and I emptied the trash when I got another whiff of the smell.  Shortly after, she was speed-crawling into my shower so I ruined her fun, picked her up and once more smelled a horrid smell!  My sweet baby, could you have possibly created such a stink?! I smelled her booty and it was fresh as roses. Sorry darlin’ for thinking it could have been you, gimme a kiss!

Oh. No. Say it isn’t so.

An auditory memory flashed back in my mind of Baylor announcing something about “chunks” the previous evening.

nope. nope. nope.

I did the classic mom finger sweep of the mouth and to my absolute horror, I discovered a teeny tiny “chunk.” I gagged and ran with her to the sink.  My baby girl ate a small chunk of my son’s poop! It was liquifying in her mouth. I literally cannot think of a single worse thing to have inside of a mouth.  #momoftheyear

Do you know how hard it is to get that smell out of a baby’s mouth? I wiped it out as well as I could, washed her hands with soap and wanted to squirt that soap straight onto her tongue, but I am a rational person so I brushed my baby’s tongue, gums and all six teeth with a smear of “spicy” grown-up toothpaste.  She’s not a fan.  Somehow she didn’t complain a bit about the substance that made her mouth smell like the bottom of a dumpster, but the mint toothpaste was too much for her.

Speaking of a dumpster… I lost my phone for about a half an hour tonight and upon searching the whole house and both vehicles, I found it in the garage trash can, on top of a certain plastic bag containing latex gloves and soggy, stinky toilet paper.

Y’all, it’s been a day.

*I don’t share this to embarrass either of my kids involved. Babies eat whatever they find and sometimes preschoolers need help in the bathroom.*

This Stage

I’m currently sitting in my living room after having dropped three kids off at two schools and drinking a delicious homemade latte. I told myself as I pulled into the driveway that I would start one load of laundry and spend the morning doing something enjoyable rather than my usual cleaning and tackling the endless list of chores and to-dos. I don’t remember the last time I gave myself such permission but I think I might make this a regular Tuesday morning thing.  It would be so good for my soul!  If there’s one thing I know for sure, it’s that the cleaning will always be there. Always.

I started a series of books this summer that I thought was a trilogy. By the time I finished book five, I was pretty much over it but might as well finish the final book for some closure.  As I’m slowly plowing away through book six, I’m a little annoyed to discover there is actually a seventh book in this series.  It’s done nothing to help me hustle through. Anyway, this morning I decided to finish it so I can move on but then I glanced up and saw Gavin’s bike on its side in the front yard.  It’s terribly annoying to me, most of the time, when something has been discarded and left for me to put away, but this morning I just smiled. I smiled because the bike represented this sweet stage of life I’m in.

I have two big kids who love to ride their bikes.  Gavin goes in circles through the driveway and on a small stretch of road. Over and over.  He mastered the two-wheeler this summer and hasn’t looked back since.  Although she’s been riding longer, Molli is less confident and prefers cruising around on pavement. She’s going to have to get over that because I don’t see us living in a paved neighborhood, ever.  I remember so much of my childhood being spent on bikes that it makes me smile to see my own kids beginning this stage of their lives.  I remember my mom being a helmet nazi and my brothers and I would take off, helmets secure and snug, then when we got out of sight, we would discard them in the woods at the end of the driveway as we went about our business.  Not using our unprotected brains very well.  We would spend hours just riding all over the neighborhood, avoiding the one street with the dogs then coming home when we got hungry.  I don’t know that my own kids will have quite that freedom, but it makes me happy as such familiar joys begin to unfold for them.

With Molli and Gavin in school all day, I’ve had more time to hang out with Baylor.  He’s been the “baby” for most of his life so it’s been cool to see him as the big boy he’s becoming.  He is in the habit of placing his hand on me and saying, “you’re a good, good momma.” I’m not sure why this started but he tells me several times a day and it’s just sweet.  I tell him he’s a good good Bear.  He loved to snuggle up and read, watch shows or just chat with me.  He’s like his brother in that way, big on physical closeness.  We’ve gotten to do some baking together and it’s fun to see him get excited about it!  One of our family’s favorite things to do is just make cookies and deliver them to a handful of friends who live nearby. He asks to do this on a fairly regular basis.

Luci is doing well.  Growing so fast and is still such a peach.  She is happy most of the time, still eats every 3 or so hours and is an amazing tag-along.  Poor girl gets dragged everywhere, all day long.  It’s a rare occasion when she can start and finish a nap on her own schedule.  She still waking up a few times each night, but I honestly don’t even mind. The babies before her were such rotten sleepers, getting a quick snuggle and snack in a few times a night is no big deal at all. Maybe knowing she’s our last baby has me willing to embrace this time with her rather than hurrying her to do all the big girl things. Her kids still absolutely adore her and want to soak her up nonstop.  Gavin especially.  He’s into her in a big way- constantly asking to hold her, getting in her face, touching, staring, loving.  She’s not lacking for attention so far!

Gavin and Molli are busy doing all the school things and are loving it.  They get to see their Grammy each day, which is a major highlight for them! It’s been such a blessing having my mom in the office looking after them and getting some special quick visits throughout the day.  I know she won’t be working at their school forever, but let’s not talk about that. They’re already upset that they’ll have to go out for recess first thing in the morning before school when she’s not there. The school is studying bugs this quarter and I currently have a tupperware on my porch housing some grass, a slug and a daddy long leg.  And a petri dish in the trunk of my van with a dead mosquito hawk. I’m living the dream.

All in all, life is so good.  My family is happy and healthy.  We are getting into the swing of life with four kids and school days.  The days are getting shorter and colder- we can just feel winter coming.  Until then, I’m embracing this Fall season.  It’s gorgeous and sweater-y, with leaves still on the trees.  It’ll only take one more windstorm, I’m sure, and it’ll really throw us into a less-favorable state.  But for today, I have about twenty minutes until preschool pickup, which sounds like the perfect amount of time to finally finish that never-ending book!

Sweet Luci

If you’ve seen me in the past few months, you’ve had the enormous pleasure of meeting one of the sweetest babies in the world. Luci really is sugar and spice and everything nice. This girl embodies all the most precious parts of babyhood. It is no exaggeration to say that when I look at her I am totally filled with peace and joy. I am praying these traits over her, that this will be a lifelong companionship. What an immense blessing to be associated with such positive attributes! To think that this entire, actual person lived inside my body; someone who will have an entire gamut of emotions and her own unique personality.

Pregnancy in and of itself is wild.  I love being pregnant.  I’m absolutely one of those women.  Sorry, but it’s true.  I don’t get heartburn, I have a superhuman bladder and I carry so far outward I’ve never felt a rib kick or run out of room in my stomach or lungs, meaning I can still eat and breathe mostly normally. I’m not the type running to the toilet every five minutes crippled with “morning sickness,” although that’s not to say I’ve never had to pull over and puke in a stranger’s yard.  But that’s neither here nor there.  The worst I experience is pelvic pain and fatness, which unfortunately, birthing isn’t a quick fix to at least one of those. I digress.

This pregnancy was pretty awesome.  It came as a surprise.  A bit of a timing anomaly, really.  Most of the summer Myles was away either on the slope working or visiting his mom in Boise after a major injury.  He came home for three tiny days in August after a long hitch away before heading back up. Which is why about a week and a half after his departure I found myself staring at a couple distinct pink lines wondering all the wonders of life. What are the chances?! How should I tell him? When? On the phone? No, definitely in person.  In fact, the first person I told was my dentist.  That seems worth noting, for no significant reason. When Myles finally did come home I shared the news and his excitement was disguised as concern about fitting everyone in a new truck we’d been discussing.  There was much excitement below the surface.

Also below the surface were some weird thoughts I had been having but didn’t want to verbalize on account of A) I didn’t want to freak him out and B) the whole everyone fitting in a truck situation. Some bizarre part of my brain swore there were twins.  I daydreamed and night-dreamed about two babies, did many google searches like “Is it possible to feel pregnant with twins,” “early signs of twin pregnancy,” “chances of twins” etc. So when the day came for our first ultrasound, I decided I’d just let the doctor break the twin news I was so sure of.

Laying on the bed at the doctors office with goo on my already-growing-a-little-bit belly my doctor smeared her magic ultrasound wand around and lo and behold
There’s your baby’s heartbeat flickering away
Just one?
Yep, just one. It all looks good!
Oh!

I stared at the screen thrilled with that perfect little flash of a heartbeat doing it’s thing and thought about how insane I was thinking there were two in there!  Good thing I never mentioned it.  I didn’t need everyone realizing I’m nuts!  I told Myles afterward that part of me totally thought she was going to say there were two.  He laughed and shuddered at the thought.

Fast forward a couple months.  We went to Idaho to spend Thanksgiving with Myles’ family and while we were there we scheduled a special gender reveal ultrasound.  I was almost 15 weeks and so excited to find out what we were having. We both hoped for a girl to balance things out.  The kids were going to come with us but ended up staying with Grandpa for some proper spoiling (which they still talk about!).  The ultrasound tech looked around, did some measurements and asked if we were ready to know.  Duh, that’s why we were there!  Of course we were ready!
You’re having a little girl!
Alright!
This baby looks perfect, but there’s something I want to show you, if you want to see.  I would want to know if it was me.
Ummm…. ok?
This pregnancy began as a twin pregnancy.
*Jaws on the floor*

This woman reminded us that she is not an OB but she clearly knew what she was looking at.  When she showed us the other baby, it was so obvious.  It measured around 8 weeks and looked exactly as any other 8 week gestation baby would look, except for a lack of the ever important heartbeat. We walked out of there with some pictures in our hands and full of happiness for our perfect, healthy little girl, and so very sad for the baby we’d never know.  Talk about a roller coaster.  Those were some very hard feelings to process. I’m absolutely still processing them, really, and probably will be for a long time.  I am so incredibly grateful we went for that special ultrasound and got to learn of this baby. We had had two previous ultrasounds at my doctors office without knowing of baby B, and there he/she was, plain as day.

Vanishing Twin Syndrome. That’s what it’s called when one twin dies and ultimately is reabsorbed by either the mother’s body, by the other baby or the placenta.  It’s so weird, but usually completely complication free.  I had my anatomy scan about a month later and was really hoping to be able to see the baby once more. I don’t know why it mattered, maybe to have medical documentation or something.  It took a while to find, but baby B was still there, measuring the same gestation, but was less defined. I knew it wasn’t a viable baby, but still was relieved to have seen it once more.

The rest of the pregnancy was uneventful in the most positive way.  I felt great throughout and was ready to meet Luci when the day arrived. I labored for about 17 hours this time, which is annoyingly longer than any of the others.  It was a very gentle labor until it wasn’t gentle anymore. I had called the OB department around 4am verifying when I should come in and labored at home waiting for contractions to break the 5 minutes in between mark.  They hovered around 8 minutes apart for a long time so I went for a walk and everything stopped completely.  (What the heck, right?!) My doctor called to see if I wanted to come in to get checked and strip my membranes to get things moving again.

I went upstairs to brush my teeth before seeing the doctor and BOOM. Contractions began again, intense and so very hard.  It wasn’t long before I was in the hospital sitting on a birthing ball with Myles doing his job providing counter pressure.  I get back labor every. freaking. time. which nearly killed me this time.  Once the contractions really picked up it was fast and furious.  Epidural me! Come on guys!  I finally got the most painful epidural ever pretty much as Luci was ready to jump ship.  It kicked in just in time for the pushing. Which was quick and thankfully uneventful.

That beautiful cry, those alert eyes, those sweet cheeks.  That was my Luci. She was perfect. She has her daddy’s long, skinny feet. She was itty-bitty.  Perfect. Nursing was a bit of a struggle because she was oh-so-tired, but still so perfect. She’s a precious, sweet soul and I am amazed by her, surely the way any mother is amazed by her new little love.

She has been the most welcome addition to our family.  I wonder everyday what it would be like if her twin was here with us as well.  I’m sure each little milestone, each birthday, each holiday part of me will be thinking of Luci’s lost partner.  How cool it would have been, but truly I’m living in just how precious the way things are.  It’s odd to miss someone I never even knew about until he or she was already with Jesus. There is hope in that though. We will meet our baby one day and I’m certain it will be a joyful day!

If you haven’t met our sweet little Luci yet, please do!  She’s amazing and has us all absolutely smitten. This little doll is almost 3 months old.  She’s growing beautifully, smiling and starting to laugh.  She loves her siblings and they all take turns holding her each day.  Gavin is especially in love.  He comes into our bedroom first thing every morning to look at her, and plops down on the couch with his arms out, waiting for her to fill them.  One thing is for sure, Luci will never lack love in this house!

First blog post

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diving straight into fall!

Some people might sit around wanting to blog but not have anything to say, no encouragement to write.  I’m kind of the opposite.  I have SO much to say but I get overwhelmed finding a starting point that I just keep the laptop closed and procrastinate on regular updates.  It’s a sorry state to be in because I never regret past posts when I look back on them even if they are just a quick blurb and shot into life at the time. Isn’t that what this is, really?  Just a glimpse into life as it is right now?  So here we are, what is life right now?

Life these days is a little bit crazy but we are getting into a groove.  Summer was over before we knew it and as we transition into fall, Molli and Gavin wrapped up their second weeks of school and are doing so well!  Gavin started a half day kindergarten at Grace Lutheran.  He’s a young kinder so he is going to do the same thing we did with Molli and use this time to grow in skills and mature a little bit before we do “official” kindergarten at public school next year.  He has writing homework everyday and while it’s kind of a struggle for him, he’s been amazing.  He’s trying his best and working so hard on those fine motor skills!  He’ll be reading and writing before we know it.

Molli started first grade at Kaleidoscope, the arts and science charter school where my mom works.  Getting to see Grammy each day has been a huge thing for my kids!  They love all their grandparents but man it is special and good to know that her Grammy is loving on her when I’m not there.  Her teacher seems very sweet and has already recognized her academic levels so she will for sure be challenged this year, which is great!  My girl is a reader like her momma and it thrills me!  She is excited to go to school and learn new things.  She’s making friends and seems to be confident with herself at this new school. It’s a bit of a commute, but so far clearly the right choice for us. She is also growing up in ways that are completely appropriate but as my oldest, surprise me sometimes.  She’s becoming more empathetic and understanding a little bit more about her place in this big world. 

With the big kids in school this year I am excited to get to hang with my littlest man more often.  We miss the others, but the one on one time will be refreshing for Baylor and me.  He is still the same sweet guy he’s always been with some extra exaggeration on those eyebrows… He is still moody and enormously expressive.  Someone recently told me that they never have to wonder what any of my kids are feeling.  This is absolutely true, particularly for Bear!  He sure can give “looks”! His imagination is really taking off and it just melts me to see him starting down the path of imaginary play.  It’s such a fun stage and one that always amazes me!  Their little minds are just so fun.

Myles has been amazing this summer.  To be completely honest, it’s been a really hard summer but Myles’ resilience is impressive.  He’s shown so much grace, maturity and strength.  He’s been the project manager of a job up on the north slope, which has him working away most of the time.  It’s not an easy schedule for him or for the rest of the family, but I have no doubt that it’s the best thing for us.  Although a sacrifice, he is providing well for our family and we are thankful.  When he is not on the slope, he has been spending most of his hitches off down in Boise with his mom and family.

Loraine, Myles’ mom, had a life changing fall back in April that has really shown us how precious and fragile life is.  In the process of healing and regaining her strength and self, she found herself back in a bad state with a life threatening infection post-surgery.  It was a major setback, to say the least, but she’s making steps in the right direction.  It’s very difficult for all of us being so far away and not being able to help with big or little things.  The kids and I pray for Loraine daily but sometimes it feels like not enough not being able to be the actual hands and feet of help.  Myles has spent as much time down there as he is able, and I think it’s been worth it.  Everyone there needs him and the steadiness he brings. The kids and I miss him tremendously, but I try to emphasize how Daddy is loving on the rest of his family and taking care of them when they need it and I remind them as well as myself that this wont last forever.  We need him home too and he will be at the end of next week!

As for me, I kind of feel like a tornado.  I’m always hustling about, either physically or just in my mind.  It’s exhausting!  I have so many good things going on in my life but some of my happy places are changing and somehow I’m in unique and somewhat uncomfortable positions. I’m facilitating a Bible study this fall and need to muster up the brain power to make that happen well.  I KNOW everything will be fine but it feels like such a big thing. Literally the day after I finally said yes to that I got a text from a friend who is helping put together a women’s retreat confirming the day and time of the workshop I said I’d put together and lead.  Oh yeah.  Myles and I have had helped in the youth group with the high school students for a few years and we really enjoy it.  We love watching them grow and mature as they begin life as young adults, but as our church transitions and we look for a youth minister, we’ve been pulled from the position we love with high school and put with 8th graders.  A group I really need to pray for my heart to soften toward!  All these things are uncomfortable and not my favorite.  I told a friend that either God is teaching me to live outside my comfort zone more OR teaching me to say no to things I don’t want to do, even if they are good.  I’m not sure which but I’m sure I’ll learn!

I’ve also had the opportunity to be involved in a ministry for teen moms called Young Lives for the past couple years and it’s been such a blessing.  I got to go to camp with 6 of our girls and their babies/toddlers and what an experience it was!  This was our second year going but was an entirely different experience than the first year, with twice as many teens and all toddlers rather than tiny babies. The camp is in Oregon so the travel was a journey to say the least.  I’ll spare you the less fun parts because the main takeaway is that God is incredible.  These girls have been through SO much and absolutely have my heart.  I love each of them and am honored to call them friends.

Life is good.  My kids are amazing and I am enjoying this stage of life even though I feel overwhelmed much of the time.  When Myles comes home, surely there will be a touch of respite for me as we have fun together as a family.  Until then, we’ll keep on keeping on and try not to lose our collective minds! And if we’re really lucky, maybe, just maybe we will get a day without rain soon!

Mother’s day

After Myles and I got married, when we were in college and still lived in Florida, I worked for a while at a Hallmark shop. This meant three things, besides a bit of income. First, I had constant access to cards, which meant there was never an excuse to let a holiday or birthday slip by without procuring the appropriate cards with plenty of time to spare. Second, I got to hear people’s stories everyday as I helped them pick out just the right card or gift for whatever situation. Third, I always (always) had at least a speck of glitter perpetually stuck to my face. Hallmark is notorious for capitalizing on holidays and Mother’s Day was certainly one that would ensure a constant parade of people in the store, searching for something that would say just the right thing for all the most precious moms out there.

This Mother’s Day is no different; people everywhere will be hunting for that perfect little gift expressing sentiments of love and gratitude. But today, instead of hunting for just the right thing that says how they feel, why not just say it? I tell my kids constantly to “use their words” and it seems to be the most appropriate thing I can do today. I have been blessed with the most amazing Mom in the world, but when I got married (going on 11 years!), I also gained two other, incredible women I get to call “Mom.”

Many of you know that Myles’ mom had an accident a few weeks ago, resulting in a traumatic brain injury. She is in good hands and among helpful therapists as she recovers, but the road will be long and difficult.  Probably longer and more complicated than anyone fully realizes yet. Myles has been back in Boise to be with his family twice since the accident, and I went along once.  Let me tell you, it was difficult seeing someone so loved in such a helpless state; a strong, smart woman lost in the haze of an injury and putting forth great effort to overcome challenges that were never considered such.  The re-learning and remembering will surely take a long time, but she is being supported and lifted up by people in her family, community and truly in the prayers of people across the world. The situation is devastating, and our hearts are hurting so badly, but there is hope because our God is a magnificent healer.

The thought occurred to me as I was flying back home by myself this week, that I hope she knows how much she is loved. I hope that understanding is so deeply ingrained that she knows it even if she can’t name it. I hope that same thing for everyone, but today, specifically for every mom in my life.  It’s no secret that the love between a child and mother is unique. There is a bond that doesn’t compare to any other relationship I’ve ever experienced. There’s comfort, inspiration, acceptance, support and grace in each mother/child relationship I’ve been a part of.  It’s a beautiful thing and I want to use my words to acknowledge it today.

Mom, Loraine and Suzette, thank you each for being Mom.  Grandma, you fit here too. You are all so different from one another but those motherly traits are a common thread between each of you.  I know you unconditionally love my family and me, and I hope you know we reciprocate. You’ve all taught me different things and there’s no doubt that you have plenty more to teach in the years to come. Molli has some great examples in her life! I love YOU!

Mom friends and mentors, thank you! I have a whole tribe of women surrounding me and I don’t have to do this alone.  It is so refreshing to come to you and tell you how much I’ve failed but once I’ve finished whining, you pull me back up to reality.  I have amazing Godly women in my life who can remind me that there’s grace in each moment and my failures are not going to ruin everything.  I’m so far from perfect but I’m grateful that I don’t ever feel like I have to pretend to be. I love YOU!

Molli, Gavin and Baylor- you three have changed me permanently (in so many ways, thank you very much). You guys drive me totally bonkers but I love you to pieces.  I mean it when I say “I love you more” because I’ve never felt a anything as enormous as I do toward you.  You simultaneously bring out the mamma bear in me as well as the softest pile of mushy emotions. I can’t get over how amazing each of your different personalities are. It’s been a pleasure to grow with you all your lives and I don’t take for granted the many blessings of getting to continue this journey of motherhood.  Thank you for making me a mommy. I love YOU!

Myles, goodness gracious.  I don’t even know what to say. Maybe you’ll get your own Father’s Day post, but for today, thank you for being a good man for our family and for helping me be a good mommy.  You’re a great dad, husband and friend to us.  I’m thankful that your mom raised you well and for her love for you. You’ve shown so much grace and maturity, these past few weeks especially, I’m encouraged by you. When we became parents, our family changed tremendously, but I am happy that we are continuing to live out our wedding vows we made a lifetime ago and being the example our kids need. I love YOU!

Hallmark has a card for pretty much everything, but I don’t think there are any that say all that I have on my heart.  I am so blessed to have all these amazing people in my life and so many great examples of love.  If motherhood were to be summed up in one word it would simply, and maybe obviously, be “love” and I’ve got more than I deserve.  I hope you all know, at the very core of your being, that you are loved and important! You are each teaching me and changing my life.  If your card is late, which is how I roll, I’m sorry, but these are the real words I want to say to you on this Mother’s Day.  I love YOU!

Fancy fun

My typical fashion is pretty much yoga pants and a hoodie.  We don’t even have to be best friends for you to know this about me. If you know me, even just a little bit, you are probably well aware of this.  I dress for comfort and also for forgiveness.  Until Nike comes out with fringed and sequined yoga pants, I won’t be fringed nor sequined.  Well, I also live in Alaska, so Nike will have to come out with them, then wait five years to get to us, then it has to stop being a top trend before I gain awareness, and at that point I’ll catch on and wear them.  I’m pretty sure that everyone at Molli’s school assumes either I workout constantly between drop off and pick up (HA), or that I only own oversized tops and pants primarily made of spandex. The stretch factor is important to me.  I don’t need my own clothes making fun of me and hurting my feelings.  I’m a delicate flower, not to be burdened or broken down by buttons, zippers and other such atrocities. My love handles are more lovely snuggled up to some stretchy waisted pants and tucked in with a cozy hoodie.  It’s my life.

Some moms may read that and nod in solidarity, or raise the roof because they’re ahead of me in the game. (It’s cool, I don’t mind). Other moms might not have a clue what I mean because perhaps their kids are older and they have a life that doesn’t equate pajamas with happiness. But let me tell you something.  I’m feeling large and in charge because I went to a fancy schmancy cocktail party tonight.  You guys, do you even know how many times I’ve ever been invited to something like this?! zero.  Because my friends aren’t fancy and neither am I.  An outing with the girls typically involves the grocery store and coffee if we’re lucky. (Except for the time girls outing ended up in the four of us getting tattooed, but that’s another story). Anyway,  it wasn’t just a boring fancy cocktail party, everyone went with the 1920s theme and dressed all up!  I can’t get over the fact that everyone seemed to have THE perfect dress for such an occasion.  Like, what the heck, is it normal for a house full of women to be able to pull off the same look when we have like 1.5 stores that sell clothes locally? The fringe, the fishnets, the sequins! Oh my.  It was so good.   And the cocktails were fabulous.

(Belinda, Tamara and I are set to go!)

I’m not going to lie, when I first saw the invite, my initial reaction was “wow, they’re going to have such a good time!” I automatically excused myself from going because I don’t go to things like that.  But then I realized something.  If I say no, I’ll be perfectly content to be home with my family and watching Lost when the kids go to bed.  No complaints! But what if I said yes?  What if I squeezed myself into something that made me a little uncomfortable and stepped out there among other women and pushed aside the discomfort of the social awkwardness and just rolled with it? What then? Would it be worth it?  I RSVPed affirmative and told Myles that I was going to a cocktail party and I need to figure out something 1920s themed to wear.  I’m sure he thought I was a little nuts for a minute because it’s so far from anything I typically do.  The homebody in me is pretty persuasive and has probably talked me out of more than one outing in the past.

So, with some help, I pulled together enough accessories to make an outfit work just fine and got to work.  A friend and I knelt by my bed as we haphazardly followed along with an eye makeup tutorial on YouTube. Who knew that eyeshadow requires like 5 colors and 12 different brushes.  Good thing I saved all the clinique makeup samples my mom gave me whenever she bought her perfume.  The eyeshadow didn’t matter anyway because I had a fantastic bright red lipstick to detract from my apparent lack of smoky eye skill. Pretty much, between the makeup, hairspray, and accessorizing, I felt like a five year old having a blast playing dress-up and trying out these new things.  I’m not going to say I looked like a superstar, but it was fun to get all done up and look like a very different version of me.

A few friends and I went out there together and we had a great time!  Being among other women was such fun, even if we only knew a handful of people. Now that I’m showered and relaxing before falling asleep, I realize that this little outing was more than a party to me.  It was a tiny bit of liberation from succumbing to the easier assumption that the fun things are for other people.  It was also a reminder of the innate desire to connect with other women.  Every lady in the house was there because there is something in us that craves company. It’s the same craving that drives us to invite someone over for coffee, to spontaneously call/text a friend or to show up when it is easier to pass.  I’m sure I won’t say yes to everything I get invited to, but to those who do the inviting, THANK YOU! It means a lot to me to be asked to join in on fun things and even if I don’t always say yes, I appreciate the gesture, probably more than you know. And to those who are invited to things, consider putting yourself out there and saying yes.

So with that, I am back in my non-sequined, fringeless yoga pants and I’m excited for a (hopefully decent) night of sleep.  Being gussied up and around people is draining for this self proclaimed introvert.

(Outtake)